Zuko the Magician
by MadnessinmyMethod
Summary: AU and Modern. What if Zuko was a magician, Toph and Katara his lovely assissants, Sokka owned a bar, and Aang went out to see the world? Well... something like this. If you need therapy after this, I'm deeply sorry. Finished!
1. The Avatar Returns

**Ok those of you brave enough to read this, feel free to hate me for this horribly horrifying oneshot. Honestly though the title should have warned you. How can something called "Zuko the Magician" be normal? So this is kind of Modern, Alternate Universe stuff. Oh and the characters are all much older, so umm, say in their twenties, because otherwise drinking would be illegal… Anyway… enjoy if you so chose.**

Zuko strode onstage with a solemn face. He glanced over the audience. Their faces held a certain joy and excitement in them. Show time. Zuko took off his shinning silk top hat. "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. What you are about to see may stun and amaze you. What you are about so see is called magic. Some think that magic is not real, but it is. Very, very real." Zuko twirled off his black cape with a flourish. "First, may I introduce you to my two lovely assistants. Put your hands together for Toph and Katara."

The audience clapped politely for the two girls. They didn't care as much about them. They were here for Zuko. They were here to see him perform.

"Now for my first trick, I will need a volunteer." He smiled brilliantly as he looked over the audience. Each and every one of them was on the edge of their seat, all begging to come up on stage. A young man with an arrow on his head caught his eye. It was his good friend, Aang. He hadn't seen Aang in years, but he was here. Zuko smiled to himself, watching his friend eagerly wave his hand in the air. He hadn't changed a bit. "You there, with the arrow!" Zuko shouted.

Aang leapt up and jogged onto the stage. He smiled widely.

"Tell the audience your name," Zuko instructed.

"My name is Aang."

"Well Aang, are you excited?"

"Yes, yes I am."

"Well then let's get started. I'm going to put you into this box over here." Zuko pointed to a long box on the left side of the stage. The stage crew had wheeled it out before the show. Toph and Katara went over to it and immediately opened the lid.

"Ok," Aang said.

"Now you're going to get in and there's a space for your head to come out at one end so that people can see you."

Aang climbed into the box and positioned himself in the way in which he was told.

"Now then, we're going to close the lid and saw you in half with these saws," Zuko concluded.

"You're gonna what?" Aang freaked out.

"Relax, it's magic. You won't get hurt."

"Uh, ok then."

Katara closed the lid of the box and Toph brought out two saws and presented them to Zuko. Zuko smiled again and checked on his audience. They all watched eagerly. They were in the palm of his hand. "I will now saw Aang in half. To the faint of heart, you'd best look away."

Zuko quickly plunged the blades down into the box and separated the box into two even cubes.

The crowd gasped and "ahhed" as Toph and Katara each took one end of Aang and rolled him apart.

"And now, I shall put him back together!"

Toph and Katara pushed Aang's halves back together. Zuko draped a white cloth over the boxes. "Alaka-agni!" He yanked away the cloth and the blades separating the box had disappeared. He opened the box and Aang stepped out completely whole again.

The crowd clapped and cheered and Zuko took a bow.

_After the show…_

"That was a killer show, eh, Zuko?" Toph said excitedly. They were backstage now.

"Yeah, yeah it was. You guys were great," he told Toph and Katara. 

"Yeah, you just know you couldn't do anything without us," Katara told him.

Zuko smiled a bit.

"Zuko," a stagehand said, "Aang is here to see you."

"Well, let him in of course. Gee, you think they'd know we're good friends with all the pictures around." He gestured to the pictures of Aang, Sokka, Toph, Katara, himself, and many others that had been tacked to the edges of his dressing room mirror or framed on the walls.

Aang walked in. "Hey, Zuko. Great show."

"Thanks, Aang. It's good to see you."

"Ditto."

"What brings you to town, Aang?" Katara asked. "I thought you were off seeing the world?"

"I got a bit homesick," Aang said offhandedly. "And… I missed you guys."

"Are you staying?" Toph asked hopefully.

"Yeah, I think so."

Toph leapt up from her comfy chair and hugged him. "Yay!"

Zuko and Katara laughed and hugged each other.

"Wait, we need Sokka for a real reunion!" Aang insisted.

"Then we'll have to catch a cab," Zuko said.

_One cab ride later…_

The foursome stepped out onto the street in front of _Sokka's South Pole Bar_, the "hottest" bar in town. They went inside, Aang with an arm around Toph and Zuko with an arm around Katara.

"Hey!" someone shouted from behind the bar. "If it isn't Zuko the Great and his lovely assistants!"

"We brought someone else too!" Katara shouted to her brother.

Sokka looked around at them. "Aang!" He rushed out from behind the bar and hugged him. "You're back!"

"Good to be back," Aang managed to say despite the squashing of his lungs.

"How you making out?"

"Pretty good. You?"

"Suki's pregnant again."

"So that's what, three now?"

"Yup."

"Congratulations."

"So many nieces, maybe I'll have a nephew this time," Katara muttered.

"I'll love it if it's a girl or a boy," Sokka said.

"Of course you would," Katara said.

"Well, come on, drinks on the house," Sokka said, leading them over to the bar.

"Now you're talking my language, free stuff," Toph said.

Aang rolled his eyes. "Yeah, definitely missed that."

_A few drinks later… _

The five friends stumbled out of the bar a few hours later singing show tunes from "Bye, Bye, Birdie."

"We love you Konrad, of yes we do, we love you Konrad, and we'll be true, when you're not near us, we're blue, oh Konrad we love you!" Toph belted out into the city night.

Aang drunkenly waved for a cab, but none stopped. "WELL THEN!" he said hiccupping, "I GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO WALK TO THE SUBWAY!"

"Hi Nancy, Hi Helen, What's the story, morning glory, What's the tale, nightingale."

"Toph, Toph, Toph. What's that song? I know that song."

"Hi Margie, Hi Alice, What's the story morning glory, What's the word hummingbird, Did you hear about Hugo and Kim?"

"Oh I think I know, it's, it's, Tele" Aang passed out before he could finish his sentence.

Zuko and Katara, who had not gotten nearly so drunk, watched their friends in amusement. They each took one of Aang's arms and carried him to the sidewalk. Sokka waved a cab and they got in. "Yeah, he definitely missed us."

**Ok, yeah so Zuko's a magician and Toph and Aang got piss drunk, what more do you want from me, it's this completely bizarre idea that popped into my head, but hell, it was fun. And yes the show tunes really are from Bye Bye Birdie, we did the musical way back when and well the songs never really leave you. The first one Toph sings is just Konrad Birdie's fangirl song, and the second one is Telephone Hour. So yeah, feel free to tell me about how much therapy you'll need after reading this.**


	2. Closets and Rivals

**Well, now that you're all back from your therapy, I think it's time for the often demanded second chapter. And well… there will be more show tunes. Hehe. So sit down, chillax, and have a good time. **

"Head's going to hurt in the morning," Toph babbled as they dragged Aang into the apartment and laid him out on the couch.

"So is yours," Katara responded. "You're piss drunk."

"I'm not piss drunk," Toph protested, collapsing into a chair. "He's piss drunk." Toph hummed to herself and broke out into song again. "You buy my tortilla?? You like me? Yes? No? Maybe? Yeucke!"

"Toph, shhh."

"When you're a skinny child of fourteen, wired with braces from ear to ear, you doubt that you could ever be appealing."

"Toph, you're gonna piss off the neighbors again," Katara warned.

"Grey skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face!" Toph persisted.

Zuko looked at Katara and grinned. "Duct tape?" he asked.

Katara grinned with an evil eagerness. "Duct tape," she agreed.

And then there was sweet silence.

"Good night, Toph."

"Mmph mur meemim moff ma mimerik, mo mit mm mine."

_The next day…_

"Toph, wake up."

Toph tried to open her mouth to tell whoever it was that was shaking her shoulder to go away and not talk so loudly, but she found herself wholly incapable. Her eyes snapped open. Iroh was staring down at her.

"Did you get drunk and start singing show tunes again?" he asked. She glared in response, but he ignored the dirty look. "We really should stop you from drinking so much." He paused a moment. "And stop taking you to musicals," he added.

"Mmph!!!" Toph insisted, waving her arms about in a quite frantic manner.

"Huh? Oh, right!" Rip.

"Ow!" Toph rubbed her mouth gingerly. "I keep forgetting vodka gets me drunk faster."

Katara walked out of the kitchen, laughing, having heard the entire, somewhat one-sided conversation.

"You should remind me!" Toph declared, whirling around to point an accusing finger at Katara. "You're the responsible one."

"I am and I did."

"I don't remember," Toph responded huffily.

"You were too busy having a contest with Aang and Sokka."

"Oh right, Aang's back!" Toph said, forgetting her foul mood and remembering the source of their drunken celebration. "Where is he?"

"Bathroom."

_An hour or two later…_

Aang beat his fist wildly against the closet door in utter futility. "Barely a day and already she's locking me in closets again," he muttered darkly. "Oy! Let me out!"

His shouts were met by hysterical giggles. "Zuko and Katara are out," Toph said.

"Iroh?"

"The cemetery," Toph said softly. "Lu Ten."

"Oh. Toph, let me out."

Toph perked up again. "Say 'please.'"

"Please."

"Say 'pretty please.'"

"Come on, Toph! Let me out of here!" Aang resumed his vicious assault on the door.

Toph smiled and opened the door. Aang swiftly fell out and landed awkwardly on top of her. He blushed a tad. "Oh, uh, thanks." Aang leaned closer and laid a soft kiss on Toph's lips.

"That's why I lock you in closets," Toph said.

"Hmm… I see," Aang said, getting up.

"What are you doing?"

"Guess."

"I don't know."

"You're no fun."

"I'm no fun? I sing show tunes when I'm wasted! Of course I'm fun!"

"Nope, you aren't fun at all," Aang taunted, continuing onward towards the kitchen.

"Hmph," Toph concluded. She followed him.

Aang stopped at the counter. "So you aren't going to guess?"

"No."

"Fine." Aang took two sturdy bits of paper from his pocket and pressed them into Toph's hands. "Guess what these are?"

Toph felt the smooth yet rigid bits of paper. They were rectangular. She had held things like this before and knew instantly what they must be. "They're tickets to something," she announced.

"I'm taking you to see 'Fiddler On the Roof.'"

Toph "squeed" with delight and threw her arms around Aang. "Yay! A vaster repertoire."

_At the Magicians' Theater…_

"Zuko, my man," the somewhat greasy but still the best theater agent said. "Come in, come in. Ah, you brought Katara too? Fantastic, Fantastic." He ushered the two of them into his office. Zuko and Katara sat down casually in the provided comfortable chairs.

"What's the news that couldn't wait till tonight, Duprau?" Zuko asked, wanting to get to the point.

"Yes, the news, well, it's fantastic, you remember Claudio? Yeah the "not-so-good" magician that goes on after you? We can fire him now."

"Oh, you got a replacement?"

"Yeah, a new kid, he's fantastic, of course never as fantastic as you, Zuko, but he's good, worthy of following you."

"Who is he?"

"Name's Jet."

Katara instantly stiffened. She knew Jet. They both knew Jet. They didn't get along, and that was putting it lightly. Jet and Zuko had been rivals in magician school both to be the best and for Katara's affections. Jet couldn't let go.

Duprau noticed their reactions. "What is it?"

"We know him," Katara answered. "We don't get along."

Duprau sighed. "He's got a contract already," he said softly. "I can't get rid of him for you. I'll keep him out of your way. I promise."

Zuko nodded. This was his best gig; he couldn't give it up just because of Jet. "It'll have to do," he said. "I'll see you tonight."

_In Jet's evil lair (a.k.a. his tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, dressing room; I mean, seriously dude, it's tiny)…_

Jet rubbed his fingers together in anticipation. He'd worked his ass off in the last year to get here, but he was here. He was finally close enough to Zuko. He would prove he was the best. He would become the headliner and he would have Katara. It would all work out. After all, he deserved it. He pressed up against the wall as he opened the door to his dressing room. How foolish to not only have such a tiny room, but also have the door swing in! He would get better! He deserved better! He would get everything he ever wanted. Jet squeezed out of the room and laughed to himself a little. All in good time.

As he left he caught a glimpse of blue and red figures heading down the hall to the exit. If he wasn't mistaken, and he highly doubted that he was, it was Zuko and Katara. He smirked. In his earlier days he might have chased after then, determined to show up Zuko and win over Katara, but he'd learned now. He'd learned that it took patience to get the things he wanted. And he would need a great deal of patience to get the things he wanted most of all.

**Well, that's it for now. I just had to make Jet a magician too. It was too good. Oh and I picked Fiddler On the Roof, because that's another musical that I happen to know the songs to. Oh and I used Bye Bye Birdie songs again. Hmmm… I don't know many musicals, which could be a problem. Oh well, if you want you can request a musical and I'll look up lyrics if you'd like. Anyway, hope the second chapter lived up to the first and do tell me how your second therapy session goes. Ta!**


	3. Yay, Therapy

**I was going to squash this back down into a oneshot again, but it has been demanded that I keep up with this randomosity and so I shall keep it up. I honestly have no preconceived idea of what this chapter will be like, so do pardon its… well I dunno what to call it. Anyway, I suppose I'll just see what my twisted mind comes up with next, enjoy.**

_At Sokka's apartment…_

Sokka's dazed eyes struggled open as he was jolted awake by two young children bouncing upon his bed. For a brief moment he wondered, _Why did I have kids?_ But only for a brief moment for he loved his children dearly. "Daddy-daddy-daddy!"

Sokka grunted softly and rolled over to see his two young girls peering expectantly at him. "Daddy! Mommy says that you're gonna make PANCAKES!"

_Pancakes, dear God._

The two girls began their chant. "We want pancakes. We want pancakes."

Sokka rolled out of bed and his two girls followed him out of the room dancing along after him. Suki sat at the kitchen table, reading the paper in her bathrobe. "So I hear that 'daddy-daddy-daddy's' making pancakes for his two favorite little girls," he said accusingly.

"That's what you get for partying the way you do," Suki teased.

"But Aang was back…" Sokka insisted.

"Pfff… You were going to make breakfast anyway. Get cooking 'Iron Chef.'"

_Back at the 'other' apartment…_

Toph shampooed her hair rapidly, singing at the top of her lungs, doing an excellent job of expressing her jubilation. "We were at the beach. Oh ah. Everybody had matching towels. Somebody looked under a dock and there they saw a rock. It wasn't a rock. It was a ROCK LOBSTER!"

Aang could hear her all the way from the living room. He turned the TV up louder. Toph, though she knew all the words, was a terrible, terrible singer.

"ROCK LOBSTER!"

Aang's eyes glazed over as a person's eyes often do glaze over when watching television. "Pleah." News. Click. "Pleah." More News channels. Click. Click. Click. "IS NEWS THE ONLY THING THEY WATCH!" Aang shouted.

Toph entered the living room, her hair soaking wet, but otherwise completely covered. "Yeah and you don't have to shout," she said.

"So says she who screams 'Rock Lobster' in the shower."

"Psh." Toph waved his comment away.

_At a shrink's office… no it's not one of you in therapy…_

"And why do you think people react that way to you?"

"I dunno. I bet they're jealous. I'm so perfect and they aren't. I don't even know why I'm here. They're the ones with the problems. If they just accepted that I'm sooo much better than them, then everything would be fine."

"Do you ever wonder if perhaps you're the problem, Azula?"

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm not trying to say anything. I'm asking if you've ever considered that maybe you're the one with the problem, not everyone else on this planet."

Azula frowned. "That's what _they_ say. You're just like them. I'm leaving."

"Azula, wait."

Azula's hand froze over the knob. She turned back. "What?"

"Let's talk about something else. Tell me about your family."

Azula stared at her warily. She wanted to go, but there didn't seem to be any harm in staying a bit longer. She was only required by law to go to one therapy session after her _incident_. If she could get it over and done with just some pointless talking…

"Ok," she said begrudgingly and sat back down. "My father is the head of a company, Ozai Inc. He's brilliant. My mother… she died in a car accident a few years ago, at least that's what dad told us."

"Us?" the shrink prodded.

"Me and my brother, Zuko. He's a magician. Honestly it's ridiculous. It's pathetic even. I mean, come on, a magician?"

"But he's famous," the shrink said.

"I suppose."

"And he's clearly done well by following his dreams."

Azula shrugged. "He's still the family laughingstock. Only Uncle Iroh still talks to him. I wouldn't either, but we never got along anyway, so he has no reason to talk to me."

"Do you regret the lack of a relationship with your brother?"

Azula paused to think. "No."

"Why not?"

"Father doesn't approve and if father doesn't approve, then I don't approve."

The shrink sighed. This girl had no individual thought, did she?

"Azula, do you ever do things that your father would not approve of?"

"No. Why would I? I would lose his love."

"He only loves you if he approves of you?" the shrink asked, trying not to sound too incredulous.

Azula took no notice. "Of course," she said, like she was stating a simple fact, like "the sky is blue" or "most humans have five toes, not six."

Azula glanced at the clock. "My hour is up. Can I go now?"

"Yes. But, Azula?"

"What?" she asked irritably.

"I'd like you to come back."

"What you think something is wrong with me? Who are you to judge?"

"I'm not judging you and I don't think anything is wrong with you. I just think you could benefit from having time you just talk and let out your emotions."

"I'm not coming back," Azula insisted. "I only came here because I had to."

"Keep the card just in case you change your mind," the shrink said, pressing a small rectangle of white paper into her hand.

**Ok, it's a bit short but that's all I can come up with at this point in time. The 'daddy-daddy-daddy' thing is inspired by my neighbors' kids and Rock Lobster is by the B52 (therefore not owned by me). For more randomosity, please do read Espiritu del Aire's "Lost in Translation" for cabbages, papayas, and good, evil fun. Also I'm going to be getting my life back soon, and I may get a little more regular with the posting of the stuff and certainly write much faster. Without further ado, I bid ye farewell. **


	4. More Cabbages Please

**Hello there, I've got a break from having my soul on rental to a musical and so I do believe that entitles you to another chapter of insanity. Plus I do believe I have a lovely batch of showtunes stuck in my head for this chapter, Fiddler on the Roof. Lots of fun. **

_At the musical theater…_

Toph was all dressed up, beautiful really, and though she couldn't tell she knew it. Aang had trouble keeping his eyes off her and struggled to pay the show any mind at all. Toph was transfixed. She loved the music, the songs, the words. She listened intensely as Tevye came onstage and the fiddler began to play its haunting melody. "A fiddler on the roof. One would wonder, why stay up there? It's so dangerous. We are all fiddlers, balancing, trying to squeeze out a beautiful melody whilst avoiding death. But, what keeps us together? I can tell you with one word. TRADITION!"

Toph's pale eyes were closed with delight as the chorus began to sing. "Become a, become a, TRADITION!" She felt Aang squeeze her hand. "I'll have more songs to sing," she whispered.

"I know."

_In a random grocery store…_

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE ANY CABBAGES?"

_Down the street from the random grocery store…_

"Ewww, why the hell would anyone want cabbages?"

_Back in the random grocery store…_

The cabbage man turned around, his cabbage senses telling him that something was wrong. "I heard that? Who said that? Who doesn't like cabbage?"

_Back down the street from the random grocery store…_

"Don't you think cabbages are awful, Longshot?" Smellerbee said earnestly.

Longshot stared at her.

"Well, I know they're healthy," she responded. "They just taste terrible."

_Back again in the random grocery store…_

"I have a new quest!" the cabbage man declared. "I must find all cabbage haters and teach them all the virtues of cabbagry." He stroked his tiny little beard. "But first I need some cabbage." He turned back to the grocery store clerk. "I would like some cabbage."

"We don't have any. It doesn't sell."

"GREAT CABBAGE GODS, WHY THE HELL NOT?"

_Back again to somewhere down the street from the random grocery store…_

"Did you hear that, or am I crazy?" Smellerbee asked.

Longshot shrugged.

_Back at the performance of Fiddler on the Roof…_

"If I were a rich man, Li, di, li, di, di, la, di, di, di, di, di, di, di, da, dum. All day long I'd biddy biddy, bam, if I were a wealthy man!"

_In an office building…_

Azula knocked politely on the door. "Come in."

"Hi, Daddy."

Ozai didn't smile like most fathers. He looked bored, tired, and a bit hungry. "Hello, Azula."

"I just got back from that stupid shrink," Azula continued.

"And?"

"Pff. It was ridiculous. They think I'm the problem and all sorts of crap."

"They clearly don't know who you are," Ozai said.

Azula smiled. "No, they don't, do they? At least I don't have to go back."

Ozai nodded. "Look, cupcake, I've got to make some calls. I'll call you later, ok?"

Azula smiled sweetly. "Yes, Daddy." Something deep inside her knew that Ozai wouldn't call her. Not to talk anyway. If he needed her to stage a hostile takeover of one of their competitors, then she was on speed dial, but never for a "relationship."

_Back with the Fiddlers that sit of roofs…_

Toph listened quietly. Lazar Wolf was talking to Tevye.

"First you'll want one and then you'll want two!"

"What would I do with two?"

"The same thing you do with one!"

"Well, the truth is I'm lonesome. I need some company."

"Wait, what are we talking about?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You… want my milk cow."

Lazar started to laugh. "A milk cow because I'm lonesome! I was talking about your daughter, your daughter Tzeitel. I want to marry her."

Aang snorted with laughter.

_A few hours later…_

The sky was clear over the city and though the stars could not be seen with the city lights blazing, it was still a beautiful night, so beautiful that Aang and Toph did not mind walking home. Toph hummed the tune to matchmaker and was surprised when Aang took on a high pitched falsetto to sing. "Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch, Matchmaker, matchmaker, I'll bring the veil, you bring the groom slender and pale."

"You're slender and pale," Toph joked.

"That I am. Need a matchmaker."

"Didn't you pay attention? It was the turn of the century, changing times. Girls can marry whoever they love. It was kind of the whole musical."

"True," Aang conceded. "Does that mean that you have a match in mind for yourself?"

"Maybe," Toph said vaguely.

"Is it someone I know?" Aang implored.

"You know him well."

"Is he tall?"

"Slender and pale."

"Hmmm… I think I know who."

"Do you?"

"The cabbage man!"

Toph hit him. "Way to ruin it."

"What I do best."

_In a mysterious telephone booth…_

"Hello, you've reached Katara, Zuko, and Toph. None of us are here right now, duh. Leave a message, we might actually return your call."

A mysterious, or perhaps not so mysterious, voice left a haunting, or perhaps not so haunting, message. "Hello, I'm aware that your household contains cabbage-lovers. You do not need to call back, only show up at this Thursday's soon to be annual cabbage fest at the City Park."

Click.

_Upon returning home…_

Zuko walked into the apartment with Katara following closely behind. He saw the light blinking on their answering machine. "Oy, message," he said, indicating that Katara ought to listen as well. He pressed the button.

"Hello, I'm aware that your household contains cabbage-lovers. You do not need to call back, only show up at this Thursday's soon to be annual cabbage fest at the City Park."

"WHAT THE HELL? WE ALL HATE CABBAGE!"

**And we have cabbages because Espiritu del Aire's "Lost in Translation" is having a cabbagey affect on me. Plus everyone loves the cabbage man. Oh and if you haven't already, do go and read Espiritu del Aire's stories, including her most recent, "Lost in Translation" and her oneshots, "Iroh's Lost Love" and "And a Happy Angstgiving to you too." Read them or I may just eat your soul. And I'll do it too. Snap. Oh and I own absolutely nothing that is related to Fiddle on the Roof, whoever wrote the musical owns it. I just think it's a fantastic musical. I like it much better that all the peppy ones that people seem to like. But that's just me. Anyway, hope you enjoyed the (hmmm is it the fourth chapter already?) fourth chapter of Zuko the Magician and that it lived up to your randomosity expectations. And if you have any requests, any characters that you want to have a bizarre incidents/occupations/lives in general, feel free to ask, I don't think very far in advance and it's great to know what you'd like. Oh and I did get a request for Phantom of the Opera showtunes, please don't think I forgot you, I just haven't looked up any lyrics yet. Oh and one more thing. If I've messed up any of the lyrics to the Fiddler on the Roof songs used here, feel free to politely tell me that I've messed up.**


	5. The Pigeons Aren't Listening

**Hello all. Back again much more frequently now that I have more spare time again. Oh and really I do have spare time, I posted a random songfic I'd been thinking of doing for awhile, called "Welcome to the Soldier Side." It's a bit depressing, but I'm proud of it, so check it out. Until then, I've got another funfilled chapter of Zuko the Magician.**

_A long, long time ago in a gal- well not really, but it was awhile ago…_

Ty Lee's heart was broken. She had loved Sokka. She's hoped that some day he might love her. But no. He'd picked Suki. What did Suki have that she didn't have? She didn't know. She tried not to dwell on such things but the pain was terrible. She didn't think she would get over it. Never. Never ever. What was she supposed to do with her life now? She'd hoped to share her life with Sokka, but those dreams were shattered. What was she supposed to do with the broken pieces of her life?

The answer was simple. She took up and new goal. A new task. What did she do? She became a street vendor. She sold hot dogs on the city corner. That's what she did.

_Present day on the city corner at a certain hot dog stand…_

"Hmm, no wait; make that two hot dogs… No three… Oh hell, make it four… wait, I shouldn't… Oh," the customer fretted over his choices whilst holding up the line. "Should I get relish? Is relish good? Wait it gives me gas, hmmm… oh."

Ty Lee tapped her foot slightly. She cleared her throat. "I have other customers, sir."

"Oh, I'll just be a moment more. I… uh…. Oh… I think… two… with relish."

Ty Lee quickly served up the hot dogs and sent the man on his way. Anyone who'd been in the line knew that it would be best not to stand behind that man anymore. Unfortunately, there were people on the crowded subway car who had not been in that line.

_At the city park, just down the block…_

"Oh, my pretties, come, come," a dark woman crooned to her pigeons. She was not old like most pigeon feeders. She was young in fact, perhaps in her twenties. "Yes, eat up. Then you'll be miserable and fat and no one will like you," she added vindictively.

The birds, which had no knowledge whatsoever of the English language, continued on with their feast, completely oblivious to the ill thoughts directed towards them.

"I hate life. I hate you. I hate life. I hate people," the woman said monotonously. The birds ignored her, intent on a free meal. "WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME?" she demanded. The pigeons jumped, but the magnetism of food kept them from flying away in fright.

A few people however were much more startled by the woman's outburst and gave her some odd glances. She glared back at them. "YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT! KEEP WALKING!"

_Back at the hot dog stand, much later in the evening…_

Ty Lee, her business finally having slowed down, packed up her things and began wheeling the cart down the street. She was headed to the park, humming softly. She dragged the cart along behind her as it bumped on the park's cobblestone path. She stopped before a dark woman yelling at some pigeons. "Oy, Mai. Let's go!"

Mai grumbled at got up to join her. "Damn birds aren't listening again."

"Bummer."

_Karaoke time with Toph…_

"Bleah, the song in my head. The song in my head." Toph shook her head briskly. "Bleah. Still there."

Aang glanced over at her. "Try singing a different song."

"But then that song will get stuck in my head."

Aang shrugged. "Pick a better song."

"Chava, oh Chava, aren't you the lucky bride? He's handsome, He's tall, That is from side to side, But he's a good man a good match, Right? Right. You heard about his temper. He'll beat you every night. But only when he's sober, so you're alright!"

Aang chuckled at the Fiddler music still stuck in her head.

"Dear Yenta, see that he's gentle, remember, you were also a bride, it's not that I'm sentimental, it's just that I'm terrified!"

"WOULD YOU QUIT THE SHOWTUNES! WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP! I'LL CALL THE SUPER ON YOU!"

Toph laughed. "Pissed off the neighbors again."

"TO LIFE!" Aang declared.

"To life!" Toph agreed.

"TO JAIL!" the neighbor shouted.

"Oh, shit."

_In a mystical valley full of sunshine, daisies, and happy rainbows… wait, what the hell? That isn't right… How about, in a foreboding alleyway somewhere in the city… that's good yeah, foreboding alleyway it is…_

Jet glanced around him sneakily. A dark, recognizably unrecognizable figure emerged from the shadows. Jet knew it was the man he was looking for. Or so he thought. "Do you have it?"

The man pulled off his hood and revealed himself to be an ordinary hobo. "What the hell?"

"Oh, sorry, wrong guy."

The hobo shrugged. "That's what they all say." He wandered off.

Another dark, recognizably unrecognizable figure emerged from the shadows. This time Jet was sure it was who he thought it was. But still he had to check. "Are you just another hobo?"

The figure's laugh was cold. "No."

"Do you have it?"

"The key? Yes."

"Well?"

"It will cost you."

"How much?"

"I'll decide later. For now, just kill the boy as your payment."

"You… you want him dead?"

"Don't you?"

"Well, yes, but, I wouldn't think that you…"

"That I what? He's a disgrace. You can kill him."

"Ok."

**Well, that's it for now. Oh what will happen next? Hmmm… I really don't know. I'll take requests for characters that you want to see. I'll give them some random life and it will be most excellent. So if you want to see someone, just ask and I'll add them in. I just had to do Mai and Ty Lee because they're fun. I'm trying to think of a strange job for Haru, but I haven't come up with anything yet. Oh and we need Bumi. Bumi is amazing. Anyway. Read, review, and check out my new songfic, "Welcome to the Soldier Side." Sad, but good. Oh and by the way, I recently found some random site that was trying to petition to get avatar off the air. Well as you can imagine, I was horrified. And if you want to read my rant about they those people and all their reasons are full of shit, check out my profile. It's on the bottom. Until next time, toodles. **


	6. Friends, Romans, Countrymen

**Back again because I've procrastinated long enough. Really I don't have much of an excuse, I'm just lazy. So good news is, there's another chapter. Bad news is, I have no idea what to write. I do believe it's time for the making it up as I go along and hoping it's not a complete waste of time. Anyway. Do enjoy the chapter.**

_In a dark room lit only by candles…_

The candle light flickered ever so softly on the Ouija board. The triangle that directed the operator's attention to specific letters stayed still. The cabbage man had not yet asked his question. "Are you sure this works, Aunt Wu?"

"Oh of course," Aunt Wu lied. "Every time. Now give me five dolla'."

The cabbage man pouted at the over-price séance, but reached into his cabbagey pocket to pull out a five dollar bill. He placed the filthy—because all money is filthy—bill in her palm and continued onward.

"Ask your question!" Aunt Wu commanded theatrically.

"I want to know whether the whole world will submit to the awesomeness of cabbages," the cabbage man answered promptly.

Aunt Wu bit her tongue to keep herself from laughing at her valued customer. Cabbages? Yeah, right. Aunt Wu took a deep breath. "OH Great Spirits!" she cried. "Answer this man's question!"

She closed her eyes and gradually pushed on the triangle. She knew exactly how far to go for each letter. She had done this a million times. But with her eyes closed, no one suspected that she fixed the answers to what they wanted to hear. The triangle slid slowly towards three letters that spelled out "yes."

"SWEET JESUS! HOORAY!"

**I interrupt this story to give you a personal message from the author. By using the phrase "sweet Jesus" in this story, I feel obligated to say that I do not intend to cause offense to anyone, Christen, Pagan, or any other religious affiliation. This is simply a phrase which I find entertaining and do often like to say and is in no way shape or form used to insult anyone. If I have offended anyone, I sincerely apologize and hope that I have not ruined your day. Thank you for pausing in your enjoyment of the story to read this note. Continue.**

_In the city jail…_

"Honestly, we need neighbors who are more fun," Toph remarked.

"But maybe we shouldn't sing so loud at night," Aang said.

Toph nodded. "Yeah, probably. They could be a little bit less uptight though. I mean, do they ever have fun?"

Aang pretended to pause and consider. "Hmm… no."

Toph laughed.

"Ok," said the cop, coming over to the bars. "You each get one phone call."

"Who do we call?" Aang asked.

"Well, Katara usually bails me out of jail. I'll call her and we'll use your call for prank calling."

"Good plan."

Toph picked up the phone and dialed. Katara answered. "Hello?"

"Hey, Kat. See, Aang and I are in jail and we would love it if you could come down and join the party, oh and bring your credit card."

Toph could practically hear Katara's eyes roll as she sighed. "I'm coming."

"Thanks." Toph hung up. She turned to Aang with a mischievous glint in her eye.

"Who are we prank calling?"

"Who but our lovely neighbors who invited us to this party."

Aang picked up the phone and dialed.

"Hello?"

"Is your refrigerator running?"

"Huh?"

"Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"

"What the—"

"Are you pro-life or pro-choice?" Toph yelled into the receiver.

"Who is this?"

"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

"Uh…"

"If Peter Piper picked a pack of pickled peppers, then how many freaking packs of pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?" Toph added.

"But soft, what light through yonder window breaks, it is the East and Juliet is the sun."

"Friends, Romans, country men, lend me your ears."

The phone clicked. Aang and Toph fell over, crippled with laughter. The cops stared at them, wondering when jail had become so fun.

_At a nearby book store…_

"As you can see students," Professor Zei said gesturing to the vast shelves, "these are books."

"Coughduhcough."

"What was that, Haru?"

"Nothing, Professor. I think I'm getting sick."

The Professor narrowed his eyes. "Hmmm… well, see to it that you don't get the others sick."

"Yes, Professor."

_At a more interesting place, say, the **city jail**…_

Katara stepped up to the desk at the police station.

"Can I help you?" the desk clerk said boredly.

"I'm here to bail out my two friends, Toph and Aang."

"Oh, the singing people," the clerk said, the bare whispers of a smile gracing his features.

"That would be them."

Just then a loud outburst of singing could be heard beyond the doors:

"YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND BABY RIGHT ROUND LIKE A RECORD BABY RIGHT ROUND ROUND ROUND!"

"They've been doing that all night," the clerk commented. "Plus some musicals. And the B52s."

"They're Toph's favorites," Katara replied. "How much to get them out?"

The clerk glanced down at some lists. "Five-hundred each. Honestly, most of the officers would pay you to take them."

Katara grinned. "I'll have to see if I can keep them quiet tonight."

The clerk nodded. "Spencer!" he shouted to a nearby cop. "Go get the divas. Someone's here to bail them out."

The cop nodded and disappeared into the back doors.

"Just sign here," the clerk said.

Katara signed.

"HEY, IT'S KATARA!" Toph shouted.

**Hmmm… I think that's as much randomosity as I can handle for now. New chapter, maybe this weekend if I can manage. Some of the crank call lines are quoted from Shakespeare, namely _Romeo and Juliet_ and _The Tragedy of Julius Caesar_. And the song line at the end is from "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) by Dead or Alive. I believe that's all the stuff I do not own and if I missed something, oh well, I don't particularly care. And if there are a billion typos, sorry you'll have to correct me. Oh and my other story, Because I Don't Make Mistakes, is back and going strong again. I took a little break is all because life is stressful enough and… well you don't care. But read it if you will. Other than that, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please do review. **


	7. The Tires Are the Things

**Hehe. Back again. Well… I have no idea when this thing will end… which I suppose is good if you like it, but bad if it becomes drawn out. I will try to start wrapping things up before I overstay my welcome if I haven't already. Anyway. There is more psychoticy (it may not really be a word but it is in my perfect world… ok it's not perfect) in store and have fun.**

_In the middle of the night…_

Katara frowned thoughtfully at the ceiling. She was lying flat on her back on their bed, thinking. Zuko glanced over at her. "What is it?"

Katara sighed and looked at him. "Are we ever going to get married?"

Zuko blanched. "You… you want to?"

"Yeah. And have kids. My biological clock is ticking, Zuko."

He gaped. "Uh…"

Katara gazed at him expectantly. "You know what I like?"

"Uh, what?"

"I like jazz. Do YOU like jazz, Zuko?"

"Umm… I guess so."

"ZUKO!" came a celestial shout. Zuko looked up the ceiling which had now been replaced by a vast landscape of stars. In the center was a large face. Ozai's. "ZUKO!"

Zuko blinked and the face disappeared. He woke up. Katara had been shaking him furiously. He looked around dumbly in the dark.

"Zuko!" Katara whispered fiercely. "Stop thrashing in your sleep!"

"Oh, sorry."

Katara rolled her eyes.

_In Jet's evil lair, which, if you remember, is his tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny dressing room…_

Jet gazed at a small golden key. He turned it over hypnotically in his coarse hands.

"**Little, little key**

**How pretty you can be **

**Won't you open up to me **

**The secrets I can't see?"**

The key glowed mysteriously and opened up a watermelon-sized portal in the air before him. Jet gazed into it and saw a beautiful girl. She was young, his age give or take a few years. She was small too, a dainty little thing, like a princess. She was alone. No one was with her at all. She was by herself in a red room. The walls were covered in deep red and paint, the carpet a shaggy blood red, the furniture draped in red silk. Clearly, red was a top runner amongst her favorite colors. The girl was seated at a desk, writing in what looked to be a diary. Her hand flicked effortlessly as it penned out each word she wanted to write. Jet leaned closer to the portal, intrigued by the beautiful girl. He leaned so close that he fell through the portal and into her room.

_At the State Legislature Board of Complaints…_

The desk clerk gazed at a sad little man. But honestly, he had it coming. A request to make cabbages the state vegetable? Ridiculous. One, there was no such this as a state vegetable. Two, even if there was, CABBAGES? No one likes cabbages, particularly state senators and representatives that refuse to model good behavior and eat their vegetables, let alone such an acquired taste as cabbage. YECH!

"I'm sorry, sir," the clerk said kindly. "The petition fell through. Maybe you can propose it again under new administration in a few years."

"Yeah, ok," the man muttered solemnly and started to walk away. As he exited the Statehouse, a thought occurred to him. "THAT FORTUNE-TELLER LIED TO ME!"

_In Azula's red, red room…_

Azula's head whipped around rapidly as something large and heavy fell onto her floor. It was a man. She leapt to her feet. "WHAT THE HELL?" she shrieked as one tends to shriek when strange men fall from your ceiling in a crumpled heap without rhyme or reason.

"Oahhhg," the man replied, trying to stand.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? Scratch that," she added. "SECURITY!"

Jet managed to stand and become aware of his situation. "Wait, please, I can explain."

Azula turned her attention back to him. "Why should I? Do you know who I am?"

"Actually no," Jet admitted. "But I really didn't mean to fall on your floor."

"No," Azula retorted. "You just meant to sneak in and kidnap me or whatever."

"No, that's not it either."

"How did you get in here?" she demanded.

"Well, that's what I'm trying to explain," Jet insisted. "You see, this key is supposed to be a portal to anywhere in the world, but I didn't mean to end up here and I'm kind of lost."

Azula looked at him like he had several heads.

"You… don't believe me, do you?"

"Oh no, I believe every psycho who breaks into my house and insists that he got here by means of a magical key," she said sarcastically.

"No, look I'll show you," Jet insisted. He was not making a good impression and damn this girl was beautiful. For once his thoughts had completely abandoned Katara. Jet held forth the key and recited a ridiculous rhyme. A watermelon-sized portal appeared between them. Azula gazed at it in wonder. It revealed two young women, one who periodically shouted at birds and another who owned a hotdog cart.

"That's Mai and Ty Lee," Azula muttered under her breath. "I haven't seen them in years." She looked at Jet. "Who are you?"

Jet smiled. "My name is Jet, and you are…"

_At a popular Karaoke Bar… _

After being bailed out of jail, Toph along with Aang was dropped off at her usual karaoke bar to get the singing out of system as per usual when she was arrested. "THE TIRES ARE THE THINGS ON YOUR CAR THAT MAKE CONTACT WITH THE ROAD! YOUR CAR IS THE THING ON THE ROAD THAT TAKES YOU TO YOUR ABODE!" Toph finished. The bar's regulars clapped hysterically. They loved Toph.

Toph bounced off the stage, letting the next person take her place. She joined Aang at a nearby table and sat on his lap. Aang wrapped a protective arm around her waist.

"We are the champions my friends!" the person on stage belted out to the delight of the onlookers.

Toph nestled her head in the small dip between Aang's neck and shoulder. She sighed.

"Hey, Toph!" someone shouted.

Toph lifted her head up and place her feet on the ground so she might recognize whoever was coming her way.

"Who's this hunk of man-flesh?" Song asked flirtatiously.

Toph rolled her blind eyes. "Not yours," she said.

Song looked offended. "Now what would give you the idea that I was interested in your hunky man?"

Aang blushed fiercely.

"Oh, come now, isn't Haru enough?"

Song shrugged. "I guess…" She sighed sarcastically, then laughed. "Good to see you back in the city, Aang."

"Thanks Song. Don't ever do that again though."

"Do what?" she asked innocently.

**Ok, yeah so, sorry that Song came off like a whore. I really didn't know what to do with her, actually, first time I've ever used her in a fanfic. Also sorry if you don't like her matched up with Haru, they'll never be mentioned again in this fic, I just needed names and I didn't feel like making people up at this point. And a by the way, I'm sure you all know that "We are the Champions" by Queen isn't mine, but the song Toph was singing earlier is called "Contact" and it's by a band called Phish. Blame my friend for getting it stuck in my head. The tires are the things on your car that make contact with the road... Anyway, please review because then I smile and I really do have a beautiful smile. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more. **


	8. There's Always Papaya

**Alright, another chapter and I really do need to start ending this story, so I'm gonna see what I can do. A big thank you to Yazu Katara and Toph Attack, your latest review sparked my imagination and resulted in the first scene of this chapter. Sorry it's taken so long to get this out. I've had a teensy bit of writers block. Bleah I hate it so much. Without further ado…**

_In a hospital…_

"Doctor," the cabbage man said softly. "What's wrong with me?"

The doctor looked down sadly. "I'm afraid that it's…. your spleen."

"My… my spleen, doctor?"

"Yes, Mr. Cabbage. There's a dreadful buildup of some sort of leafy green thing. Tell me, do you eat lots of lettuce or cabbage?"

"I eat cabbage, doctor."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Cabbage, but you can no longer eat any more cabbage. It's what's destroying your spleen."

"WHAT?"

"I said you can't eat any more cabbage, Mr. Cabbage."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" In a ferocious rage, the cabbage man ripped off all the tubes that were monitoring some of his vital functions. As the machines bleeped in confusion, the cabbage man leapt from the bed and knocked over a few nurses who'd been watching him in horror.

"MR. CABBAGE! STOP!" the doctor shouted.

The cabbage man ignored him and burst through the door into the hallway. He ran down the hall, knocking down carts, people, and cups of latte. He yanked open the heavy metal door that led to the stairs and started to ascend.

"MR. CABBAGE! COME BACK!" the doctor shouted again, beginning to chase after the cabbage man.

The cabbage man burst through a final door and found himself on a rooftop. He stood over the edge and gazed down at the busy city streets. Just a jump, a leap, all his misery might be over. He could go to that great cabbage garden in the sky.

"MR. CABBAGE!" The doctor joined him on the roof. "Don't do it."

The cabbage man gazed back at the doctor and started to laugh hysterically.

"You don't have to end your life like this. There is a cabbage substitute. It tastes like the real thing."

The cabbage man blinked at him.

"And there are always papayas."

"Papayas?" the cabbage man echoed.

"Yes."

The cabbage man shrugged. "Ok."

_In Azula's very red bedroom where a confused magician has fallen from the sky…_

"So, you fell out of the sky?" Azula asked, her eyebrows raised far more than normal eyebrows ought to be raised.

Jet's face contorted in thought. "Well, yeah, I suppose you might put it like that, but who are you exactly?"

"That's not important," Azula insisted. "What are you doing in my room?"

"So this is your room," Jet said glancing around. "Very red. It was an accident. I was meant to go somewhere else."

"Where?"

Jet looked taken aback. "Why should I tell you? I don't even know your name."

She rolled her eyes. "My name is Azula. Now would you tell me where you were trying to go before you so rudely entered my room?"

"I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to disclose that information."

"Why not?"

"My employer," Jet said simply.

"Who's that?"

"Also not at liberty to disclose that."

Azula narrowed her eyes. "What are you at liberty to disclose?"

"Honestly, not much. Nothing related to exactly what I was doing before I ended up here."

Azula chewed on her cheek. "I see. Well, then, I guess we have nothing to discuss."

"But, I can talk about other things. I mean, my life isn't just what I happen to be doing now. Did anyone ever tell you that you're very pretty?"

Azula flushed. "Get out!"

"I don't know the way," Jet said.

Azula stalked over to the window and thrust it open. She couldn't really send him out the front door. She pointed to the night outside. "Out!"

Jet looked at her with a hurt expression. "A window? That's cold."

"There's a tree. Climb."

"How lucky," Jet exclaimed. "I happen to be a very good tree climber."

"Oh, goody. NOW GO!" she all but bellowed.

Jet shrugged and climbed out the window. "Nice talking to you, Azula!" he called back.

Azula slammed the window shut so that it shook violently in the sill. "What the hell just happened?"

_Deep within the Earth's Core…_

"Tectonic plates?"

"Yes, fool. Must you echo my every word?"

The servant rolled his eyes.

Ozai narrowed his. "Show a little respect. You have your task, go on."

The servant left and when he was out of Ozai's earshot, he let out a long slur of various curses and vulgarity in a multitude of different languages that not many would be able to comprehend. "Tectonic plates. Like that'll work, the paranoid dweeb."

Not many people could get away with calling someone as important as Ozai a paranoid dweeb; even when not in his presence for he had many spies. However, this individual could for he was highly valuable to the man and was a brilliant negotiator.

The servant began to climb a gently sloping path and after several hundred meters he reached a magnificent metal door that was located on the ceiling. He placed his hand on the identification pad and it opened along the middle revealing a long narrow chute. The servant grasped two metal bars on either side of the chute and pulled himself up. When his feet had completely disappeared into the passage the doors closed and he could stand. A second doorway opened up behind him and led into another passage that ran parallel to the previous one. The servant walked down it and came to a caged elevator. He entered and pressed a button. The man whistled to himself as the elevator zoomed upwards with increasing speed.

"Stop at the lab," he said to no one in particular. The elevator began to slow and then screeched to a halt. "Thank you," he said as the caged doors opened and he entered yet another corridor. "I'll be right back." The servant found himself in front of yet another identification panel and he placed his hand on it. The air lock doors opened and he felt the sudden chill of conditioned air as he entered the lab.

The lab was a starchy sort of white room and was filled with ten or so scientists in black lab coats. One of them sat at a large metal desk and looked up at the servant expectantly as he entered. The servant stopped in front of him. "Well?" said the scientist.

"Ozai wants you to carry on with the sample research on tectonic plates," the servant said.

The scientist's eyebrows quickly shot up. "What? But… it's-it's hazardous to the environment; that's why we stopped, it could cause the entire city to collapse in on itself. The entire city would be buried. Millions would die or have to flee or, or live underground. What the hell does Ozai want to do that for?"

The servant shook his head and laughed. "All those destructive reasons. If you don't like it, there are a million other scientists who will take your paycheck."

The scientist bit his lip to prevent another comment from escaping his lips. He swallowed hard. "Very well then. I'll tell the chief."

The servant smiled. "Good." The servant turned and left the lab. "I'm back," he said as the elevator doors opened for him. "Take me to the surface," he said.

**And that's all I've got for now. Sorry it took so long, I've had a lot of writer's block for this and it's been sucking very much. With that said, you guys can help me out if you'd like to make requests and such, but the requests should be somewhat reasonable. Meaning nothing completely vulgar. Demented, fine. Vulgar, no. So if you'd like to see just how twisted I can make something, give me a suggestion. I know I promised a while back to do requests for musicals that Toph shall sing and I did have a request for Phantom of the Opera. I still haven't forgotten, I just haven't looked up lyrics or had a chance to use them, so very sorry. With that said, I hope you enjoyed another strange chapter of this increasingly "going nowhere" story and look out for another if I ever get over this irritating lack of ideas. **


	9. The OneWoman Musical

**Since I'm so terribly long over-due for another chapter by my updating standards, I profusely apologize and hope that whatever I can come up with in the next few pages will be worth the wait. Hopefully. **

_In a telephone booth, somewhere in the heart of the city, approximately five blocks from Azula's present location…_

After Jet had left the strangely beautiful and intensely rude girl, his head cleared. He remembered exactly what he was supposed to be doing and had thus rushed to the most private location in the area, a telephone booth. No one ever pays attention to people in telephone booths unless they intend to make a call with a pay phone. Pay phones had become obsolete in the day and age of the cell phone and thus very few phone booths remained on the city streets, let alone interesting ones. Phone booths were also known for peculiar things, and so a young man staring down at a golden key and reciting a strange poem in a phone booth in the middle of the night was not particularly odd, disturbing, or in anyway noteworthy. It was not even of particular interest to passersby when a square portal appeared in the phone booth that they paid no attention to and that the man in the booth of whom they paid no attention disappeared into that portal.

It so happened that Jet was not particularly good at using the key's magical properties for the key had a mind of its own. You see, the key was long ago created by the Great Wizards of Elderon. Now, the Great Wizards of Elderon were known for three things. First of course was the fact that they were by far the most superior wizard cult of their day and age. Second, they had horrendously large feet, which took quite a long time to wash. And third, their primary export was a particular type of magical curio that upon saying the proper rhyme would transport the rhymer to a desired location. However. The Great Wizards of Elderon were not known for a certain peculiar and very secret trait that each and every one of them possessed. The Great Wizards of Elderon had a strange and sadistic sense of humor. And it so happened that they had bestowed this humor upon their magical curios and thus the curios would also employ this sadistic logic.

As a result, the key which Jet had been given to use for a specific purpose was desperately intent on thwarting his schemes and promoting its own agenda. Jet had fallen through a second portal today and landed with a resounding smack on wet concrete.

_Five blocks from Jet's previous location…_

"What the hell?" Azula demanded as a somewhat familiar smack of a falling body echoed from behind her. She turned around to see Jet struggling to his feet. "Oh, shit," she muttered, quickly trying to merge with the surrounding crowd of people. No one else seemed to notice the young man falling from the sky.

Jet had heard Azula loudly ask "what the hell" and perked up instantly at her voice, though he did not know why. He righted himself and scanned the crowd for her. He spied her trying to squeeze into a resistant crowd of people.

_At the magical theater…_

"For our opening act," the loud speaker boomed, "we have Toph, the one-woman musical!"

The curtain opened and the crowd cheered loudly. Toph stood at the center of the stage. Her dress was long and sparkled green in the stage light. Her hair was let out for dramatic effect and flowed behind her. She opened her mouth and began to sing in a sweet voice:

**Whenever I see someone**

**Less fortunate than I**

**(And let's face it - who isn't**

**Less fortunate than I?)**

The crowd who tended to also be fans of the muscial known as "Wicked" clapped and cheered as Toph sang.

**My tender heart**

**Tends to start to bleed**

**And when someone needs a makeover**

**I simply have to take over**

**I know I know exactly what they need**

**And even in your case**

**Tho' it's the toughest case I've yet to face**

**Don't worry - I'm determined to succeed**

**Follow my lead**

**And yes, indeed**

**You will be:**

Toph flounced about the stage in a comical manner, making even those who had never even heard of the musical, or had heard of it but never seen it, laugh.

**Popular!**

**You're gonna be popular!**

**I'll teach you the proper ploys**

**When you talk to boys**

**Little ways to flirt and flounce**

**I'll show you what shoes to wear**

**How to fix your hair**

**Everything that really counts**

_One song later…_

The crowd clapped and Toph held up a hand to indicate that she was not done. The audience quickly became silent and watched her expectantly. Toph inhaled.

**In sleep he sang to me**

**In dreams he came**

**That voice which calls to me**

**And speaks my name**

**And do I dream again?**

**For now I find**

**The phantom of the opera is there,**

**Inside my mind**

Toph then switched to a deeper tone, impressing every single person in the audience.

**Sing once again with me**

**Our strange duet**

**My power over you**

**Grows stronger yet**

**And though you turn from me**

**to glance behind**

**The phantom of the opera is there**

**Inside your mind**

_Back stage…_

Zuko and Katara stood next to each other, both smirking yet in absolute awe. "She's brilliant, isn't she?" Zuko commented.

"Born to perform," Katara agreed. "How many musicals is she doing tonight?"

"Just one more, I think," Zuko said, trying to remember exactly what Toph had said earlier. "Uh………"

Katara laughed at his bizarre thinking expression.

"Oh yeah," Zuko exclaimed. "She was going to do a song from 'Bye Bye Birdie.'"

_On stage…_

Toph waited as the applause faded before she began the next song. Her face took on an expression of indignant anger. She knew the role of Rosie well.

**Eight years, eight years,  
That's how long I've wasted on him!  
That's all, I'm through.  
Albert dear, to put it sweetly,  
To hell with you!**

The audienece laughed but not for long as Toph quickly plunged into the song.

**What did I ever see in him?**

**How did I ever get involved that way?**

**Now that it's over I can smile and say**

**What did I ever see in him?**

**Boy, I was way out on the limb.**

**Now that my feet are on the ground again,**

**Now that my senses have been found again,**

**What did I ever see in him?**

She smiled bitterly out at the audience.

**Is he tender?**

**No, he's not!**

**Is he thoughtful?**

**No, he's not!**

**Am I crazy?**

**What's he's got that I found so damned appealing?**

Toph returned to the center of the stage to sing her final verse.

**Do we need them? No, we don't!**

**Do we want them? No, we don't!**

**Will we leave them? No, we won't!**

**Tell me what did I say that for?**

**What did I ever see in him?**

Toph ended the final note, the musicans played the last trill of music, and the audience plunged into the most astounding burst of applause known to man.

"THANK YOU! I'M HERE ALL NIGHT!" Toph shouted out to them and the curtain closed.

**Tada. Alright, I gave the musical requests my best shot considering I've never seen Wicked or Phantom of the Opera. But I tried and if I've slaughtered them I'm sorry. I at least tried to end it with a musical I knew. Hope you enjoyed this chapter and I'll try not to slack off so much like I have been lately. Toodles. **


	10. Oh Fluffy Little Cloud

**I'm terribly sorry it took me so long to get out another chapter. I've been hit with a horacious bout of laziness in general. That and I spent most of my time rereading the last Harry Potter book so that I might actually remember what the hell is happening to the little gits before the next book comes out in July. If you're a diehard Harry Potter fan and have been insulted by my previous joke I apologize. Anyway enough of my bad jokes. You did click on my story to read another chapter I believe. **

_Fourteen years ago…_

As Ozai prepared to take off for the day, he snatched up his dark colored hat to keep his head warm during the harsh city winter. "Don't forget to get your sister after school!" he shouted back to his son at the breakfast table, who nodded. Ozai tipped the hat over onto his head.

It took barely a moment to realize that something was terribly wrong with his hat. He could feel powerful furry and clawed feet scrambling wildly and tangling his carefully combed hair. His swiftly yanked the hat from his scalp and a large white rabbit slid off from his head and bounded away down the hall.

Ozai swelled with rage. "ZUKO! I TOLD YOU TO KEEP THE EFFING RABBITS OUT OF MY HATS! I ALSO TOLD YOU TO GET RID OF THEM!" Ozai's face was tinted a deep scarlet. "It's Iroh," he said angrily, mostly to himself. "He's encouraging him. IROH!"

Ozai's squat older brother bumbled into the kitchen. "Yes, brother?"

"For the last time, stop buying the boy magic shit."

"Oh, it's hardly shit, Ozai. It's quite a worthy career. Honestly, have you heard of how much magicians make?"

Ozai's expression looked deadly. "Yes, it's like prostitute money. Filthy," he spat. He rounded on a very pale Zuko. "You will not be a magician," he said softly. "You will not bring such shame on our family."

"Yes, father."

_Present day at the Frivol's Frivolous Ballroom Dance Center…_

Azula entered the Dance Center tentatively. She dreaded going in to learn how to dance, but her father had insisted that as a polite lady she must learn. She always did what her father told her. As she glanced around the studio her gut dropped even more. She knew exactly who one of the instructors was and with her recent luck, she was most likely to be taught by him. She approached the counter. "I'm Azula," she said. "I'm here for my lesson."

The secretary glanced through a book of records. "Oh, yes. Just a minute." The secretary glided across the floor, clearly a dancer by her posture and tapped a shaggy-haired man on the shoulder. He turned his head around and let go of his partner. He nodded once or twice then accompanied the secretary back to the desk. The secretary beamed at Azula. "This is Jet. He will be your instructor. You're very lucky, by the way," she added.

Before Azula could ask why, Jet was leading her across the wooden floor to the far end of the studio. He stared at her for a moment. Azula could not bare this silence in which she felt he held some sort of advantage over her, so she spoke. "Fallen out of any ceilings lately?"

"Thrown anyone out a window lately?" Jet countered.

Azula narrowed her eyes. "Yes." Well, that sure left him speechless. "You're supposed to teach me to dance," she prompted.

"Right. The Waltz. Typically with ballroom, the male leads and the female follows, so I'll teach you the following steps." He stood beside her. "The Waltz is three steps. First step back on your right foot." Azula imitated him. "Now brush past and to the side with your left foot. Then together with your right." Azula followed the three steps. "Now that's half a box. Then you step forward on your left. Brush to the side with your right. Then together with your left." He demonstrated and Azula copied. "Now put it together." Azula repeated the six steps mechanically.

"Now you don't just waltz on flat feet," Jet continued. "You step down on your first step and up on the second and third steps." Jet demonstrated and Azula copied. He watched her. "Good." He turned around to face her.

She looked at him suspiciously. "Everyone waltzes with a partner," he said smugly. Jet took hold of her arms and bent them into place. "So I put my hand behind your left shoulder and you put your right hand on my arm like this," he said, placing said hands and arms in the proper positions. "Then you hold my other hand and we keep our arms up like this."

"And then?" Azula questioned.

"And then we waltz."

Jet slowly led her through the steps. They fell into the rhythmic three steps of the lulling waltz. Azula almost felt like she could fall asleep. She glanced around fiercely, trying to find an object to concentrate on other than Jet's face. But everything else around her was constantly moving. The only thing that stayed the same was Jet as he moved with her across the floor. She felt very uncomfortable every time she actually did look at him because his gaze never left her face.

Azula stopped, jarring them out of the smooth rhythm. She extracted herself from Jet's grasp. "I, um, gotta go."

"But-"

But Azula had already fled.

_Outside the bathroom door at the apartment…_

Aang waited patiently outside the bathroom door. Tiny bits of brown stubble were starting to grow in on his typically bald head, blurring his arrow in an unsightly manner. Aang could not resist running his hand over the stubble every now and then, becoming more and more anxious about the necessity of shaving.

Toph was showering at the moment and her loud voice could be heard over the pounding water and through the door. "If you want to destroy my sweater, hold this thread as I walk away!"

Aang smirked.

"Watch me unravel, I'll soon be naked. Lying on the floor, I've come undone!"

"Toph could you hurry up in there?" Aang pleaded, running his hand once more over the brown stubble.

"Shut it, Arrowhead!"

_Passing by the pet shop…_

Katara gazed longingly at the little puppies and kittens in the pet store window. She looked up at Zuko, whose shoulder her head rested most comfortably on. "Can we get a pet?" she asked.

Zuko looked down at her. "Why?"

"Well since you refuse to get married or impregnate me…" Katara began.

"Katara!" Zuko gasped, scandalized.

"I'm kidding."

"Good."

"I think a pet would be fun." She pushed her lower lip forward. "Pllllleeeaaassee?"

_At a random poetry reading in some random coffee house where a bunch of artsy looking posers in burettes, with goatees, clutching bits of sucky poems scribbled angstily on bits of napkins and toilet paper because they wish they really had moments of inspiration where there is nowhere to write except on such paper goods, stare up at a small stage…_

Iroh gazed down from the microphone at the fake angsty crowd. They all stared at him incredulously. "Ahem, my poem is called 'The Fluffy Little Cloud.'"

"OH, fluffy little cloud you ride so high

Brushing fingertips with the sun and stars

The emo poser stares up at you and pretends to hate you

In his heart he knows nothing

He does not know who he is

He does not know what he is

He barely knows that he is

Oh fluffy little cloud you ride so high

Taking hate up in the sky

Fall down

Fall down

For hope is no more"

The crowd gaped at Iroh. He walked off the stage and out of the coffee house with a feeling of great satisfaction in his gut.

**Well that is all for now. I hope you enjoyed that. I like this chapter much better than most of my recent ones. Leave a review and I'll try to be a bit more timely with my updates. Aloha. **


	11. Do You Have A Carrot Up Your Nose?

**Sorry it's been soooo long since my last update. I've got finals coming up so life has been pretty hectic, but now I've decided I needed some creative relief and thus, we have another chapter. So now I just need to figure out what to write. Enjoy. **

_In the apartment Mai and Ty Lee share…_

"Mai, do you have a carrot stuck up your nose?"

"What the hell are you going on about now, Ty Lee?"

"You know, a carrot, the pointy orange things. Do you have one stuck up your nose?" Ty Lee asked.

"Umm… no."

Ty Lee frowned. "Ah. I see. I really want to go glomp the senior greeters."

Mai's eyes widened. "What the hell?" she repeated.

"You know the old people in hospitals and schools that have nothing better to do so they just sit around in the entrance hall and say "hi" to everyone who walks in like they have some sort of meaning to their lives. The senior greeters. I want to go glomp them."

"Yeah, uh, you go do that. Meanwhile I'll get the money to bail you out of jail again for not respecting people's personal space," Mai said. "Or better yet, have fun in prison with the psycho axe murderers."

"Oooh. Ozai will be there?"

Even Mai laughed.

_Second verse same as first… oh uh… I mean… an excerpt from Azula's diary…_

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**I don't know why I bother with this thing. I expect it is because some day my thoughts may be worth millions. Not that I need millions. Daddy made me go to this stupid ballroom dancing thing today, which might've been alright if it weren't for the instructor. Can you believe it was that same psycho that suddenly appeared in my room last Tuesday? Jed or whatever the hell his name was… I think it was Jet… Ahg. Why does his name matter? It was awful. I felt like an idiot and then he was looking at me and…. And I don't know what. It was awful. I hope I never have to see him again, but then there's this small part of me (mind you it's a **__**very**__** small part) that actually likes seeing him. Jesus Christ, this sucks. Jesus Christ? When did I get religious? **_

_**On a different note, daddy's letting me have more control in the business soon. He says he's going to let me in on his research project real soon. Now I get to find out what he's doing in the lab late at night when he thinks I'm asleep. This is going to be great. **_

_**I was thinking about Mai and Ty Lee the other day. I've been thinking about them ever since I saw them in that's psycho's crazy portal thing. I wonder how they've been. I haven't seen them since the explosion. Wow that was a long time ago. But after that they didn't want to stick around. I doubt they want to see me again. Not after everything that's happened. **_

_**Well, I should be getting off to bed. It's late, way late. Actually it became Sunday a few minutes ago. Goodnight.**_

_**-Azula**_

_Where Sokka's at…_

"Hey, Daddy, guess what?"

"What, sweetheart?"

"I'm a Jedi!" the little girl pronounced.

"No," said her sister pushing her out of the way. "_I'm _a Jedi."

"Hey, guess what?" Sokka said quickly.

"What?" the two girls demanded, forgetting their argument and staring up at their father expectantly.

"If you're both Jedi, then I'm the Jedi master! Where's my lightsaber?"

_In one of the city's numerous dark alleyways…_

"I hear that you're having a few problems with that key there," a dark voice said from the shadows.

Jet nodded.

"I need this job done soon. You better get that key to work."

"I'm trying."

"You aren't trying hard enough. The key will take the user to wherever his greatest desire can be fulfill. Obviously you aren't thinking properly. You do want him dead, don't you?"

"Yes," Jet said quickly.

"Then I see now problem as to why the key will to take you to the place where you may kill him," the voice said coldly. "I'm running out of patience. If he's not dead by Friday, you will be."

Jet's blood ran cold. This was way more serious than he had expected and he couldn't back out now. "He'll be gone. I promise."

_In the living room with my two most favorite couples…_

A brightly colored game board glistened on the coffee table. The golden letters _Trivial Pursuit_ were stamped in the center, surrounded by variously colored squares, each representing a different category. Two couples gathered around the gameboard, Zuko and Katara, and Toph and Aang.

"How many people die each year by choking on pen caps?" Aang read out. "A, none, B, three, C, eight, or D, twenty-seven."

"What kind of shitty question is that?" Zuko exclaimed.

"It's miscellaneous, moron," Toph said.

Katara rolled her eyes. "Eight."

"Correct!"

Zuko gazed at her. "How did you know that?"

Katara blushed a little. "Back in high school my psycho teacher used to post bizarre facts on her white board. That was one of them. I told Song that one once when she was chewing on a pen cap and it freaked her out."

Zuko picked a card out of the box. "Which ancient Greek Goddess was known as the protector of unmarried women? A, Hera, B, Aphrodite, C, Artemis, or D, Persephone."

"Artemis," Toph responded promptly.

Aang drew another card from the box. "What candy's ad campaign starts with the phrase 'how many licks does it take to get to the center of a, blank? A, Laffy Taffy, B, Twix Bar, C, Reeses Peanut Butter Cup, or D, Tootise Pop."

"Tootsie Pop!"

_And now the daily poetry section with our writer, Uncle Iroh!_

"Why is my nephew so damn mad?

His daddy hates him, that's why

Why is my niece so damn evil?

She was born lucky, that's why

Why is my brother so damn dastardly?

He's a maniacal monster, that's why

Why am I so damn bored?

I have nothing better to do, that's why

Nothing better to do

NOTHING

BETTER

EVER

I think I'll have some tea now."

**That's all for now. The convo between Mai and Ty Lee is based on me and my psycho friend. Yes we periodically ask each other if the other has a carrot shoved up her nostril. Oh and I really did have a teacher who did the weird fact thing and I really did make someone stop chewing on a pen cap because of it. And gosh darn it, Iroh makes and awesome poet. Though I like the fluffy cloud one better. Hope you enjoyed it and I'll try to update soon. **


	12. The End of the End of the End

**Okay so honestly I'm running out of ideas for this thing. I don't like to have more than two stories going at once and I really want to start this new humorous story idea. So, this story is coming to a close. So sorry if you'd hoped it would stay around longer, but if you need my strange humor, I'll still be writing forever. Enjoy the last chapter. **

_Previously in Iroh's poetry corner…_

_Why is my nephew so damn mad?_

_His daddy hates him, that's why_

_Why is my niece so damn evil?_

_She was born lucky, that's why_

_Why is my brother so damn dastardly?_

_He's a maniacal monster, that's why_

_Why am I so damn bored?_

_I have nothing better to do, that's why_

_Nothing better to do_

_NOTHING_

_BETTER_

_EVER_

_I think I'll have some tea now."_

_Today in Iroh's poetry corner…_

Zuko picked up a slip of paper that Iroh had left carelessly on the coffee table. His eyes flicked over it as he read a crude and badly written poem. "UNCLE! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? I AM NOT MAD ALL THE TIME!"

"You are now," Iroh shouted as the door slammed behind him and he ran for dear life.

And so ends Iroh's poetry career.

_At the magic theater…_

The crowd let forth a thunderous cheer as the curtains opened. The stage was empty. A soft silence echoed through the crowd. On the center of the stage was a single white rose. Slowly, the crowd realized that the rose was burning. A few of the people in the audience screamed, but the rest watched eagerly. Three separate plumes of purple smoke erupted in three of the aisles. The crowd stared at them and as the smoke dissipated, three figures emerged. Zuko began walking down the center aisle towards the stage and Katara and Toph followed suit down the side aisles. Zuko climbed onto the stage and approached the smoking rose. He picked up the charred remains and showed it to the audience. Zuko smiled and tapped the rose with a finger. Purple smoke enveloped his hand and when it cleared, he held up a newly restored rose. The crowd clapped. The show had begun.

_In an alleyway outside of the magic theater weighing the odds…_

Jet paced back and forth as much as the narrow and short alley would allow. He'd stepped out here for some air, but it was hardly better than the cramped closet that passed for a dressing room. Tonight was supposed to be the night. The night his greatest rival died. But at the moment, he wondered if it really was worth it. He had other talents, other passions. He didn't need magic like Zuko did. He found that the many reasons for hating Zuko were vanishing. So Zuko was better at magic than him? He was better at other things. He didn't need to be better than Zuko any more. So what if Zuko had Katara and he didn't? This strange girl he kept seeing everywhere occupied his mind these days. He found himself wondering "Katara who?" Jet certainly felt that he had no personal vendetta against Zuko anymore.

But what of his employer? Jet's hand slipped into his pocket where a golden key rested against the fabric. Useless thing it had proved to be. It hadn't gotten him anything he wanted or at least was supposed to want. Though he'd certainly found a very fascinating girl because of it. Jet tore his mind from Azula again; he was deliberating at the moment. He had no time to fantasize about a girl who ran away every time she saw him. There was something irresistible about that. FOCUS! His employer, the mysterious man behind the mask, whoever the hell that dark and desperate voice was, wanted Zuko dead. And if Zuko didn't die, he would.

Jet moaned in frustration. Honestly, did he even have it in him to kill? Jet didn't know. Jet pulled the key out of his pocket. The golden little demon glared up at him. It seemed to speak to him. _You know what to do._ Ok, then. What did he know? He knew that he had meant to kill Zuko all along. He knew that he had been hired to do so. He knew that in the subsequent weeks he had also found many reasons not to kill Zuko. He knew that he no longer wanted to kill Zuko and did not know if he was actually capable of killing someone. He knew that if he didn't kill Zuko, he would be killed. Jet glared down at the key. _You're still selfish, aren't you?_ Yes. He was selfish. Zuko must die.

_Backstage…_

Aang looked strange dress in the black uniform common to those working as stage crew. It wasn't his color really. Aang perched himself on the top of several crates out of the way, so he could watch the show without being a nuisance which could definitely happen. Every time Toph had come off stage, she had given him a hearty flick of the forehead and walked off to her next position. Aang rubbed the growing red spot on his forehead.

He could see Zuko onstage now. A large cabinet had been rolled out next to him and Katara was now getting into it. Zuko closed the door and gave the cabinet a good spin. When it stopped, he opened the top third of the door to reveal that Katara's head was no longer there but her feet were. Her torso had remained in the middle section of the cabinet, but her head had been displaced to the very bottom. The crowd gasped. Zuko closed the door again and gave the cabinet another spin. When the door opened again, Katara emerged completely whole. The crowd cheered.

The good mood was disrupted by a fierce shout. It could not be heard over the cheering at first, but as the crescendo died down, no one could mistake the angry shout. "ZUKO, YOU WILL DIE!"

Aang's eyes widened as a lean figure climbed onto the stage. Aang could recognize the shaggy brown mop anywhere. It was Jet. Aang tensed and realized that Toph had materialized beside him. "C'mon let's get out there," she muttered, dragging him onto the stage. Katara's eyes were wide.

"Zuko," Jet repeated softly. "You will die."

Zuko looked tense, but ready to fight if he had to. Katara moved closer toward him. "Jet," she said. "You don't want to do this."

Jet glanced at her but felt nothing. He shook his head. "It's not personal anymore," he said sadly. "I know I don't want to do this, but I have to. I'm selfish. If you don't die, Zuko, I will."

A new voice joined the frenzy as a girl dressed in red came running down the aisle. "NO! Jet! Don't kill my brother!"

"AZULA?" shouted a few incredulous voices, none more incredulous than Zuko. He turned his gaze to his sister. "What are you doing here?"

"I come to every performance," she admitted softly. "Don't tell Dad."

"He wouldn't believe me anyway." He turned back to Jet. "You know him?"

"Vaguely," Azula responded. She stalked over to Jet and slapped him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" she demanded. "You're making a fool of yourself."

Jet stared at her in disbelief.

Azula took hold of his ear and started dragging him off the stage. "Come on! Stop dragging your feet!"

A third voice shouted out as a girl in pink stumbled onto the stage. It was Ty Lee. "Can someone help me?" she shouted. "I'm lost and I have a carrot stuck up my nose." She started running for the other end of the stage and another girl followed after her.

"Get back here!" Mai shouted.

Another voice echoed through the auditorium, this one sounding particularly murderous. "STOP!" Everyone did stop as the intimidating form of Ozai one of the city's foremost business tycoons and alleged crime lord made his way to the stage. "ALL OF THIS IS GOING TO STOP! YOU WILL NOT BE A MAGICIAN!"

"So this is what it's all about!" Zuko turned red. "You can't respect my dreams so you're going to mess with all of these people!"

Ozai frowned. "I didn't know you felt that way. I just wanted you to be happy."

"What made you think I wasn't?" Zuko glowered.

"I don't know." Ozai breathed deeply. "You really want to be a magician?"

Zuko might have rolled his eyes or said something sarcastic and witty, but it didn't seem appropriate. "Yes."

"Ok, then. Carry on." Ozai started walking away.

"THAT'S IT?" Aang shouted. "What no awesome battle or anything? Geez, no wonder I left this is boring."

Toph nodded. "Yeah, let's go to Singapore."

"Ok."

Katara and Zuko looked at each other. "Yeah, Singapore sounds fun. Let's go! Hey, wait up."

"Wait for us too!" Jet shouted, dragging Azula along with him for she still held on tightly to his ear.

Iroh sat in the front row, crying. Sniff. "They're all leaving me for Singapore." Sniff. "But wait!" Sniff. "If they're in Singapore, I can write my poetry!"

_One last Iroh's poetry corner…_

"And so it ends,

The mysterious way

The Singapore

That stole away

My friends and family

Enemies and neighbors

Grocery stores and poetry-haters

There is a moral I do not know

It is not: avoid yellow snow

It is not: stay away from pigeons

It is not: name a pet rat widgeon

It is not: look before you leap

It is not: never give up a dream

It is not: kind outweighs mean

It is not: simply ponder this

It is not: be sure before you kiss

This moral eludes the wisest man

The proverb man

The garbage can

It is where ever you may look

The lesson which is in no book

The story that has made its mark

The fable lying in your heart

The moral is what you have learned

In nor other way is earned

The end

The end

This is the end

If there are problems

I'll make amends"

_In cabbage heaven…_

"Every time a bell rings a cabbage gets its wings," the cabbage man said.

"But cabbages don't have wings."

"SILENCE FOOL!"

**And there you have the end. Sorry if it came too quickly, but I'm ready to bid this story adieu (if I've managed to spell that right, then I'd say I'm pretty freaking cool). I hope you have enjoyed this story as much as I have. It's certainly been a lot of fun and creative release when I've needed it. You know me I can't keep away from the humor for long. I'm starting a Norse mythology theme comedy soon. I'll figure out a title for it at some point and I may even post the first chapter now. So keep your eyes peeled (though I wouldn't a potato peeler that could hurt) (sorry for that terrible, terrible, terrible, awful joke. I should be burned at a stake for that). Anyway I hope you enjoy my other writings and thanks for hanging around for this one. **


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